Not Today Satan!
Have you ever felt like you are” not enough”?
Well, I have been dealing with negative thoughts lately.
Satan constantly reminds me of what my faults are.
I have decided to finally start practicing self-love.
One, I’m learning to set healthy boundaries.
Two, turning my self-judgment into self-compassion.
Three, I am learning to forgive myself.
I am telling myself STOP looking for external validation.
Lately, I’m telling myself to remember,
I am amazing, I am loveable, I AM ENOUGH!!!!
God is so good and yes, at times we (ME) seem to forget that until he reminds us (ME).
I hope everyone has a great day!
RUN MATTHEW RUN!
Hello Everyone, I hope you are doing well. So recently I had shared with a friend of mine some of the crazy things my kids did when they were little. I thought I would share one with you all. I hope it would make you laugh.
So a little back story, Matthew is my only son, I was always amazed at the things he did as a kid.
So this happen in 1996 which Matthew was around 4 years old. We were at my In-law's house in the country. My Mother In-law Kay was cooking like she always does when we were all together. My father In-law Loren was watching Nascar in the living room like he always did.
Dwayne was working on his truck and Bekah and I was watching. I was pregnant with Lizzie at the time. It was a nice day, the kids were all down in the field playing with their cousins. So I thought...
In between the house and garage, there was a walkway that lead to the open pasture.
Well, as Dwayne and I were talking Matthew came running out of the house. I watched him run by us. Do you remember when you were a kid and you would run and watch your shadow in hope that you were faster than you were? Well, that is what he was doing. I didn't think anything of it until I saw Kay running behind him yelling "DWAYNE GET YOUR SON!!!!!!"
She stopped at the water faucet to turn off the water. we knew Matthew had done something that we were sure of. I walked into the house and all I saw was water dripping from the roof and Loren sitting in his chair with remote in hand non-fazed. The living room was soaked.
What Matthew had done was he grabbed the water hose and snuck into the house and placed it as far as he could reach. then he turned it on. Which it wouldn't have been bad if it was just the hose, but it had a rotating sprinkler which was full blast.
By the time I got outside still shocked that my kid did this. Matt was still running almost to the end of the field. He knew he was in trouble.
Needless to say, we all avoided going into the house for a while.
I will always remember Matthew running by me and Kay not too far behind yelling. It is now funny but at the time it wasn't.
Oh, and by the way, Matthew's favorite show was Dennis the Menace. So you can guess where he came up with the idea.
The Reoccurring Battle
Hello friends, what I’m going to talk about is a very vulnerable subject for me. It is hard to admit to friends, family the truth about yourself, at least in my case it is. There is no easy way to say it than just to say it.
DEPRESSION... it's like the unspoken word that everyone stays away from. I have dealt with depression over the years. It started when we (I) moved out here from Arizona back in 1994. I was 5 months pregnant, with two little ones under four as well. We chose to move out here because it was the best for our marriage. My husband’s family was the only people we knew, Now don’t get me wrong I love his family and always will, but they at the time was not my family. That was the start of the depression, plus we moved in August, one of the hottest months of the year. Lord, that month felt like I was in Hell’s heat. Arizona doesn’t have the humid like Oklahoma does, so it took us some getting used to.
Jumping to November of 1994 it was one of the hardest winters that I had ever been in. It doesn’t snow in Arizona not at least when I lived there. It seems to snow in Ponca City every other day, up to my eyeballs. It was pretty at first then quickly it sucked. I was stuck inside with 2 babies and pregnant, plus I felt like I was a whale.
As soon as November came so did our new baby Rebekah early like 3 weeks early. She was a very sick baby, but that story is for another day. I remember sitting in the hospital bed looking at Rebekah wondering how I was going to take care of 3 kids. When we (I) went home that is when I noticed I was really depressed. It seems that when I started having children my depression grew to where I could notice it.
Over the years I have been able to recognize when it was stronger because of different situations or times of the year.
I do have to say, that yes, this year has been hardest time with my depression. There have been days that I just don't want to get out of bed and do things. I have had to force myself.
I feel like moving forward and having a new house along with other things I'm truly headed in the right direction. I know this isn’t an easy fix, but I am encouraged that my depression will change.
I have a great friend that is a nurse practitioner that helps me stay on top of my depression and anxiety. She is a big blessing to me. I am not sure what I would do without her. It’s not always about pills, sometimes it’s just having a good friend that has been where I currently am at and that understands.
So, by saying all this I'm at the point in my life that I try to find things that make me happy. Along with spending time with my family, my friends, writing and coming up with new stories makes me happy. My husband and kids roll their eyes at which whom I call my boys, BTS the KPOP group they make me happy. They support mental health healing. Which helps me.
So, I try to surround myself with positive things. I feel like I'm just rambling on to all of you, but the point is depression is real… mental health is real!!!! Just because someone has a smile on their face doesn't mean they aren't dealing with depression. If anyone has any suggestions to help with depression, I would love to hear them.
I thank God every day for me being able to still do the things that I love.
Love you all,
Hello Everyone! Yes, I know it has been way too long since my last blog!!! I feel like the chaos from this crazy tornado called life has slowed down enough from this summer that I can share with you all.
You know change is hard no matter how old you are. So this summer has had to be one of the hardest changes in my life. We, my family, have lived in the same house for 24 years. I have watched 4 of our babies grow up in this house. We have so many memories in that single-wide trailer. Memories from first kisses on the back porch, to smackdown wrestling matches in the front living room. Dwayne and I taught the kids how to dance in the same living room. Everywhere, I look, is a memory of some sort. Well, over months of deliberating we decided that we were going to move forward. We moved that single-wide trailer to another part of our land and in which our son will be remodeling.
We now are new owners of a doublewide mobile home. It is big enough that all 4 of my children and their families can all stay with us on holiday's and be comfortable. One of my daughters once said "mom, now we can build new memories with your new house." So the chaos started!! Packing up a house that we have lived in for 24 years and de-cluttering at the same time is not easy. To be honest it sucks!
I won't lie it has not been as easy as I thought. It is hard to let go of the past. At least for me, it is. In our house, we have a dresser that we call THE TIME CAPSULE. It is full of pictures, very program possible that the kids had been in. It has artwork, pompoms, high stepping shoes you get the idea. Well I did it I went through it and divided it into 4 plastic crates for all the kids. This is a miracle in its self! Although, it was hard, I was in there for days on in, crying over the fact my babies aren't babies anymore. It did feel good to have it done and cleaned out.
I feel like moving forward is physical and mental healing we all need to do to make the situation better. It's like a fresh start! Our new house is bright has natural light, lots of windows.
Everyone knows that this year has been rough on me and my family. It still is a daily struggle to do daily tasks, but I (we) get through it. We still have some things to move over to the new house; but, we are closer and closer to the end result. Which is the best feeling!
Until next time, Love you all,
July 02nd, 2021
With all of my book's each one holds a special place in my heart. As I release a new one into the world it's like I have watched one of my babies take their first step. I feel protective and eager to balance them if they start to struggle. So this next series that I have started is very close to my heart. Before I tell you the name let me tell you a little about the back story.
I was hit with inspiration in three different ways with this series. One happen when I went to Quannah Parker Star House. As I walked in the same steps as this great leader. I thought of what his life would have been like if his parents were to stay together. The next hit was when I remembered a movie that my sister and I watched growing up. So I ordered it and have watched it several more times. The movie is Stolen Woman Capture Hearts, with Michael Greyeyes and Janine Turner. The true story is based around Anna Brewster that was capture and over time fall in love with a Chief.
The next hit was with my sister had done reach on our family history on my Dad side. As she was digging she found out that we had an "Aunt Hannah" that was capture by the Kiowas. She later escaped and hid in a cave until she was found. You can read about it under Mcdonald Massacre in Harper Texas.
These stories the white woman loved and was brought back to white sociality to be shunned. Most died of broken hearts. Now don't get me wrong yes we have had bad events in history but my heart hurts for the love that was lost. I look at my own life, my oldest daughter is biracial. I think of the time that her father and I were together and how I could have missed out on such a blessing of not having her.
Forbidden Love is a very strong feeling of affection towards someone you are romantically or sexually attracted to.
Saying this I believe Love sees no color or race it's just Love. Over the years there been forbidden Love stories. Couples that have either fought for Love or been forbidden to Love. Here are just a few. Beatice & Dante, Romeo & Juliet, Ricard & Mildred Loving, Cynthia Ann Parker & Peta Nocona.
This hit home to me in more than one way. So I have decided to do a series called Native Sun Series. It is a series based on Native American warriors that have loved and beat the odds of all sociality.
The first book is called Apache Sun. Stay tuned, I will be releasing the model for this cover in a few days. I am so blessed to have him for my book. He is very well known and has been in several movies.
Thank you all for everything.
I thought I would jump on here and fill you all in with what is happening and how my progress is going.
So, I'm still doing physical therapy and PTSD therapy every week. Although, I feel stronger every day the road is still long ahead. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days; but, overall I feel stronger!!
My goal this summer is to learn how to shoot using one arm. I'm going to try crossbow first. I'm receiving help from Oklahoma Wheeling Sportsmen. So this will be a very new experience for me. Wish me luck. I will let everyone know how this process works.
As for my writing, I am finishing up Hans!! Yes, you heard me it is almost ready to stamp complete with edits, and upload to amazon. This cover is one of the best I think. Nick Hawk did such a great job modeling. He has been very encouraging to me with my ideas for stories. I truly consider him a friend.
In addition, I have three more good-looking models that I just signed on to do book covers for me. I can't wait to share them with you all.
I have been asked here lately what I'm working on? When I'm not editing my stories. I'm currently working on a Native American romance. This will be a series called Native Sun Series. I got inspiration when I was at Quanah Parker Star house in Cache Oklahoma. More details to come on this.
I am also started writing a story that takes place in Puerto Rico. This will be a Travel
Love series, More on that to come!!
Well, I hope everyone has a great rest of their week and weekend.
Lots of Love,
Update Long Overdue!!
Hello everyone! I hope everyone is safe & healthy. So sorry it has been so long since my last update. To catch everyone up on how I'm progressing. Since my last post, I have had wrist surgery and manipulation done on my shoulder and elbow. I have been released to do physical therapy, which I go to three times a week. I hate it! Although, I know that I have to do it to gain my strength back.
I'm trying to stay positive through this all; but, it at times is the hardest thing of all. I know God is good and he alone will see me there this. I know he has a plan for me. Even though I may not see it.
My husband and kids have been the best support team through this whole ordeal. Just when I start to get down on my limits my kids or Dwayne will always lift me.
I can't wait to start writing again. I have three new ideas, new characters ideas. I have been approaching new models for new inspiration. I have a couple of ideas for children's books.
I love all of you and thank every one of you for your support.
A Long Awaited Hello...
Hello Everyone! So sorry it has been a while since my latest blog I have had some new developments in my condition. Before I get into that I want to say thank you to a few people. I would really like to thank Jan Fursdon and Nicola Layouni for the special gifts of encouragement that I received in the mail. It has been such an encouragement for me to keep going. I would like to also thank my church New Point for the meals that everyone has provided me and my family. To everyone that has donated privately and on my gofundme account I'm beyond touched. Thank you for all the cards and encouraging messages from everyone.
Now you may wonder what is going on, well you see I recently found out that I broke my right wrist in 2 spots and had to have surgery again last Wednesday. yep, it has been an ordeal but I'm getting through it.
I have had some good days and bad but I'm pushing forward. i have an appointment at the end of the month hoping to get the release to start therapy on my shoulder. i'm pretty limited on what I can do throughout the day. i try to stay busy and not think about writing but that is becoming harder and harder every day.
I have so many new stories that are burning to be told. i'm excited to share them all with you.
before I close this out I want to say thank you to my loving husband Dwayne. He has been by my side since I was injured. he has devoted his extra time to make me feel comfortable as possible. Althrough I can't do much by myself he never complains. We have been married 29 years this month and not a day goes by that I don't think God for bring this special man in my life.
Well, that's it for now,
God bless you all
November 07th, 2020
Hello fellow readers, this is Bethany Christine's daughter again.. I will be dictating this blog for my mom since she is unable to type.
Hello my dear friends & family I'm truly grateful and blessed to have another day with all of you. I can't put my emotions into the right words; although I'm going to try. I first want to thank God for giving me another day with my family. I want to thank all those that helped me during my accident along with the process it took to get off that mountain and out from underneath that horse. We ( I ) could have had a different outcome if it wasn't for you all. Thank you doesn't seem like its enough. Stan, Mandy, Steve, Mona and Mason we share a special bond. But my son Matthew Dwayne is my hero in all of this. He administered trauma first aid on me. By cutting my shirt to make sling. He noticed first when I was going into shock and helped me through that.Several times I felt like my son was going to watch his momma die. I just couldn't let him go through that. So I kepted pushing to stay awake and alert. I felt my thoughts slipping and instinctly knew my son knew none of my health information. So I asked him to record me so I could tell him just in case I passed out. I think that was probably one of the hardest things to do. I felt like it was my goodbye video.I think through this whole thing the worst was getting out of Dueblo Canyon on that dam 4wheeler. You may wonder why not bring the sidebyside well because really it was horseback country. The 4wheeler barely fit. I think I was going in and out of consciousness. I remember Matthew talking to me about my sweet grandbabies while my Uncle Stan tried to find the easiest pathout of that "hell canyon." I guess there was a reason why they call it Dublow. After an hour which felt like forever I finally see our camp. As I was greeted with concern worried looks acrossed everyones faces, I knew it was bad. My only thought was get me to the hospital yet I knew this was not going to be easy task. We were so far back in that mountain.My Uncle Stan that I remember helped me into my jeep which wasn't easy at all!! Yet I did it. I noticed my son running around grabbing our stuff and throwing it in my jeep. He was determined to get me out of there quick. As I quickly said my goodbyes Matt GPS'ed the closest hospital. As the jeep doors shut Matt said " momma I need to get you off this mountain quick; but, I will go as easy as I can." It took us 2 and half hours to get to the main road. Not because he took his time; but, because that is how far up that mountain we were. During that 2 and half hours i felt myself go in and out. I tried to hold my thoughts together yet it was so hard. I knew I had done something bad to my shoulder and ribs. I hit my head ;but felt for cuts or blood and found nothing but really sore spots. Just when I thought I was going to fall to sleep Matt would start talking to me again trying to keep me engaged. I finally see the main paved smooth road ahead and think soon I will have a smooth surface soon. Because the road we were on felt like a bumpy rock riverbed. As we pull onto the main road we finally get phone service. We have an hour to go unill we reach the hospital. As we arrived matt quickly gets me in as soon rushed back. My accient happened at 10:00 am it was now 4:00pm. I noticed my son sitting in a chair with his phone in his hands with the look on his face that he was dreading to have to make the call to his dad. I heard matt let out a big sigh as he began to explain what happened to his dad. I could only imagine what that was like for Dwayne to receive that call. After that one call to Dwayne my phone blew up with people calling. After serval test I find out my shoulder it broken in 3 spots and I have 3 broken ribs. The trauma ER doctor gave me a few choices
1. Fix it there in Colorado
2. Life flight me home
3. Ambulance could drive me home
4. Matt could drive me.
But it had to be fixed one way or another. I knew instantly that I wanted to come home so I could have surgery. There was no doubt that Dr. Sparks is who I would want. You see some people may not like their local hospital. But I on the other hand have complete faith in my Hospital Alliance Health Ponca City. I knew that I would be in great hands would Dr. Sparks and his staff. So I asked Matt if he would call Mindy Meyer and ask what I needed to do in order to get home. Matt worked with Mindy and made the arrangements for me to come home. Dr Sparks and staff was waiting for me on hand. As I Sat there I knew Matt would worry about me the whole time I wasnt with him. I knew questions would come to his mind. Is momma ok? Is she alive? Is she in pain? I could'nt do that to him. So I choose to have him drive me home. Which was a 10 hour drive. I made the decision to get a hotel after the thought of Matt driving me home. We had been up since daybreak and we both had went through alot. We got a hotel. Not sure how; but, I laid down and tried to get some sleep.
We woke a lot that night in which Matt was always holding my hand. I even remember him saying " momma I'm here your not alone. " Up to this point Matt held his tears. I thought I had heard him crying sometime during the night. But he always held it together while he was in front of me. The drive home I really dont remember much I think that probably was a good thing. What I do remember was stopping a few times just to get gas. Which I for the first time saw Matt cry since this started. Matt was so sleepy I remember him talking to people on the phone just to stay awake. Actually I would hear him say "momma I'm sorry" or ' momma we are almost home"
Well late that night on Wednesday Oct 14th I arrived home where I was met by Dwayne on the porch. Thursday morning went to see Sparks and was admitted. Finally, I got medication to kill this pain I had been carrying with me. Then, Friday morning had sugery. Not to sure how long i went without meds; but, what matters is my son brought me home to where I was safe and got good care.
I feel that God saved me on that mountain on October 13 at 10am. For that I'm truly blessed!!!
I have long road of recovery; but, I can do it. I have made it this far right.
Please dont stop sending your kind words of encouragement. Now sure how I'm going to get through this ordeal; but, one thing for sure God is definitely with me
The Day Tragedy Struck!!!
Hello Readers, I'm Bethany, Christine's oldest daughter. I'm writing on behalf of my mother today. Many of you may have heard the tragic news. As you read in the last Blog my mother got the opportunity of a lifetime to go elk hunting up in the mountains of New Mexico. Unfortunately, on Tuesday, October 13th at about 10:00 am she was involved in a horseback riding accident. She was nearly crushed by the horse and is lucky to be alive. Her right shoulder was shattered, several broken ribs and is very bang and bruised up. 48 hours after this tragic accident she had surgery taking two plates and 10 screws to put her shoulder back together. She is still recovering in the local hospital. She is hopefully going to be released soon. They are working to manage her pain and get her on a good schedule were they feel okay with sending her home. She is very weak and needs assistance with everything.The road to recovery has started; but, we are unsure how long it may be. This really could not of happen at a worst time. She had lost her job shortly before COVID-19 hit and with no job she has no medical insurance. Attached below is a link to a Gofundme account. Currently, we are unaware of the cost for her emergency room visit, surgery, hospital stay and physical therapy. We are grateful for her life today. Thankful to be surrounded by all our friends and family. We ask if you would keep her in your thoughts and prayers. If you can give, anything helps and please share.
The Clinton, Beathard & Klinginsmith Family
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